Katie Beth's room has become something of a war room lately. It's a huge issue to get her to clean it up. I've tried bribing, threatening, spanking, ignoring - you name it! One day this week, I had told her to clean her room. She said, “I am a queen!” as she put on her tiara. Going along with her role as I read in the magazine I was searching for advice last night said to do, I smartly replied in an exciting "mommy" voice, “Well, the queen needs to clean her castle!” Being the smart little three year old she is, she quickly replied, “Queens don’t clean up.” Hmm, what do I say to that? She's right. I came up with the brilliant, “Go Katie Beth, NOW.” After several warnings and several settings of the timer to no avail, I told her I was setting the timer and whatever was left on the floor, I would come take. She seemed genuinely motivated. I came back at the timer, and NOTHING was picked up. Not one thing. So, I got it all picked up in a laundry basket to my room. Instead of being upset, she pointed out things I hadn't picked up!!! What do I do with this strong-willed child of mine??
After talking to Jason and my friend Mary Julia, I decided that I would make her take and give some toys away. Dr. Dobson and Lisa Welchel in Creative Correction give the advice if they don't take care of their toys, give some away. So, I gathered up two grocery bags of toys – I tried to pick ones that meant something to her but that I didn’t care anything about. That was a challenge. I had her bag up all the toys that I had pulled out herself. She didn’t seem too bothered by anything so I talked to Jason again. We ended up putting in her favorite doggie from Mimi with plans to take it right back out without her seeing. So, I made her carry the bags herself to the car.
We got to Goodwill, and before Katie Beth got out, I got out and told the man that my daughter was learning a lesson from not cleaning and taking care of her toys and that she had to give some of hers away. I explained there was a dog that we were putting in there that I would take back. Well, he didn’t seem to quite get it, but I got Katie Beth out. I started to pull out the bags for her to carry them over, and he came and took them. I stopped him and told her she had to do it by herself, and he stopped for a second and then took the second bag anyway. Meanwhile, he was saying, “What a good, sweet girl you are to share! You’re sharing with other boys and girls, and they’ll be so happy. You are a sweet, sweet girl. Thank you so much! Thank you for being a sweet sharing girl!” Over and over – I was like can it dude.
So then she was still holding onto the dog and I told her to give the dog to the man. She looked at me for a minute with some reluctance. I said, “Go ahead Katie Beth, give him the dog.” She gave it to him really fast, and then she buried her face in my leg and cried really hard. This I was glad to see – that something did make her sad. I reminded her why we had to give her toys away and maybe we needed to take better care of the toys we had. However, the Goodwill man says to her, “Don’t cry little girl, I’m sure you’ll get a real dog someday soon.” WHAT??? That was great since we just gave Lucy away and Katie Beth is dying for a real dog. Thankfully, she didn’t seem to pay him much attention.
I told her to get in the car, and when she climbed in, I grabbed the dog from the man and stuck it in my purse. WHEW! He was confused, but that’s all right. He probably thinks I’m a horrible mother…
We got home and Jason was here. We gave her 15 minutes to clean out all three baskets, and she did it! I had to help “cheer” her on at 3 or 4-minute intervals, but she did almost all of it by herself. We helped her with things that she couldn’t do like all the crayons or things that were supposed to be up high. She seemed glad to have her things back and played with her kitchen a lot last night.
Some nice things about Katie Beth yesterday: She played with her brother a long time “taking him to school” which involved leading him around holding his hand while he carried a “lunchbox” and a stool (I don’t get the stool). The only bad part for Everett, as he enjoyed most of it, was when she actually got him to “school” where she took him to an empty room, left him, and closed the door. But, she only let him cry for a minute, and he always wanted to do it again. And she earned several marbles for having spurts of good manners. At bedtime, Mimi was still here. I told her to go to her room, take off her shorts, pick out a book, and get into bed. I went in fifteen or so minutes later and there she was, in her pajamas with a book, and just waiting for me. I gave her marbles for that too! So, she does have LOTS of good moments.
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"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland... the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise." Isaiah 43:18-19, 21
4 comments:
Good for you! It's like Dr. Phil always says, "Sometimes you have to raise the price of poker." When they just don't get it, you have to pull out your big guns. She is a sweet girl and will grow up to be a precious young lady because of life lessons like this one. And see, it's already working. Good luck! Debbie
How can you say that is a lesson learned she looks like she may be around my child's age. I understand as a parent you want your kids to have responsiblities, however; she is still some what a baby and you giving her favorite toys away because she didn't clean her room is not breaking her of any bad lessons in life. It is only hurting her as a child. But what bothers me the most is the comment "you finally mad her sad" that is the worst thing as a parent you could do is to want to make your child sad. I am a mother of two and it breaks my heart for my children to hurt or be sad and I can honestly say that I have two wonderful children and I do make them pick up after themselve and my one child is close to your childs age, but I don't expect him to clean his room like his older brotehr does that will come with time and age.
Since you didn't leave your name, I don't know whether I know you or not nor do I know your background or your beliefs about parenting.
I strive to discipline and teach the way I feel God disciplines and teaches myself. If I willfully defy God, he is going to discipline me. It will be hard on me, and it will be hard on Him knowing I am sad and having a hard time. But, God is GLAD when he sees that my heart is broken because he knows that means I am learning my lesson more than in a superficial way. Psalms 51:17 says, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." God loves a broken heart because it means we are learning and becoming spiritual adults instead of spiritual babies.
Our society takes the same approach. A cop is not glad to give you a ticket - well, okay, some are. But most just want you to slow down and be safe. They know giving a ticket will cause financial and time difficulties, but they do it because hopefully those difficulties will result in a lesson learned.
Just as in giving a child a spanking or sitting a child in time out. It breaks our hearts to see them sad, but we do it because it is for the best. The same in this situation. I was not glad that she was sad and losing her dog. I know that is what I said, just not what I meant. If I had been glad she was sad about losing her dog, I wouldn't have pulled it back out. It was a hard thing to do and to have her do. I was glad that she seemed to have learned her lesson! I was thrilled that she grasped the concept that we have to be responsible for the things that we are given, as in the parable Jesus told about the talents or as Luke 16:10a says, "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much..."
I would not require her to do something she cannot do. She can clean her room perfectly when she wants to. She has done so many, many times. Because she is 3 1/2, I don't make her make her bed or fold and hang clothes or put things on top shelves or even organize her books. I use the scaffolding approach and expect her to be responsible for what she is capable of. But, for those things she can do, I do expect her to obey.
A book written by Focus on the Family about discipline says, "Willful defiance takes place when your child 1)knows and clearly understands what you want (or don’t want) to happen, 2) is capable of doing what you want, and 3) refuses to do so... Whether passive or “in your face”, the child’s defiance is asking several questions: Do Mom and Dad really mean business? What’s going to happen if I don’t do what they want? Are they tough enough to make me? Who’s really in charge here?... When confronted with such a situation, act clearly and decisively, meeting the challenge head-on. Not only must your child not have his way, but his attitude about what he has done must be turned around as well. When the conflict is over, you should be on the same team once again. You don’t need to be harsh or hostile, but you must not back down. If you do not establish your right to lead early in the game, by the age of two or three at the latest, your ability to influence or control your child later on will be seriously compromised... When dealing with willful defiance, the child’s attitude is the central issue. As Dr. James Dobson has noted in a memorable adage, 'If he’s looking for a fight, don’t disappoint him.' This doesn’t refer to having a literal brawl with your child, of course, but rather to a consistent posture of standing your ground when your authority has been clearly challenged."
She is a by the book a "strong-willed child". Her teachers at school have said so without my saying anything. Family and friends have noticed. She's a true pleasure, but I have to take different approaches with her. I have to get creative. I love that it challenges me as a mom. And, I wouldn't take the same approach with her as I do my son. I agree with you, we have to treat each child differently and according to their own personality.
How can you say that is a lesson learned she looks like she may be around my child's age. I understand as a parent you want your kids to have responsiblities, however; she is still some what a baby and you giving her favorite toys away because she didn't clean her room is not breaking her of any bad lessons in life. It is only hurting her as a child.
I can say it's a lesson learned because she cleaned her room. AND she's done great this week! This morning, she voluntarily went in and cleaned up her brother's room - PERFECTLY!!! It worked! It's not foolproof - her room is a wreck as we speak. I've had to move the stuff into baskets, but she gets it more than she did before. She's learning. And, I didn't give "her favorite toys away" - just one, and I took it back to give back to her later. If you knew her, you would know that she is truly not affected by much. That goes in with the strong-will. When she was two, I hadn't spanked her yet and she was doing something wrong, and I said, "Do you need a spanking?" She looked at me, turned around, and patted her bottom at me as in "go ahead!" I half laughed without her seeing, but boy, she is a challenge! She is truly not phased by much which is why we had to pick something she did care about.
Hope that clarifies some things, and I truly appreciate your comments - that's what the blog is set up for. I would love to talk more about anything as well as to learn more about you and your children.
God bless,
Sarah
You are doing a great job, and the Lord is going to bless both you and Katie Beth because of it! I don't think that anyone can do a better job than you are doing with her. It is so obvious that you love her, and want what is best, God's best, for her! I love you sweetie!
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